Where I am

It seems things in my previous world are either heating up or winding down. It's a fine line really. I wonder how I would have handled it, had I not been brought to a great new job that I enjoy very much? It makes you stop and think is all this for some reason? I know that amid the tumultuous last two years, I have discovered what I am capable of. 

I've learned to really love someone with my whole heart and not hide anything from them! That in its self is no small feat! To absolutely know, without shadow of a doubt, that I am to be with this woman... it fills me with something new. Within me a glow is apparent. Every time I picture her I feel a warm fuzzy float up my neck... that is why I love her. She is the only person that's done that to me. A thought, so powerful.

But, I could not have gotten to this point without what came before. None of this is news to anyone, but on my journey it's real at the moment. All of the moments from my birth to this very posting has lead me to new feelings, understanding and mindset. I am thankful for what came before,  I enjoy the now and hope for the future. 

To know what lays ahead is not important, it's where we are that counts. 

Just when you thought you had it...

It was gone in an instant. Seven days is just not enough time. She had been away so long and was here so briefly. We both know that it will be over soon. We both know that we love each other. 

None of the things I just mentioned help the fact that I toss and turn at night when she's not there. I miss the warmth she gives off. I miss the way she holds me, and the way she feels when I hold her. 

I try to tell my self that this is good. Somehow this will make us stronger. It doesn't! It makes it worse. I want her here. I want her to be sitting on the porch reading a book when I come home from work. I want to meet her at a bar in Westport, have dinner, get drunk, be home by 8 and make love all night. 

It will happen I know. We will see each other during the time she's gone. But her absence has made me know what I love so much about her... her love for me. I have never felt someone love me so deeply, care so much or love so hard as her. 

Thank you my friend, my lover, my good time girl!

Ode to my new city.

I found my self returning to the same part of town for the last three days in a row. Why was I doing this? What need was this filling? I looked closer at things here. I doubled back on streets to see if I could get a better look once I came around again.

Everywhere I felt something... different. I had seen all these faces and places before. This wasn't the first time I had been in "this part of town." But this place, it was newer, more real than the rest, in fact, to me it was all new. 

I moved to Kansas City at the end of January. I began my new job the second day of February. I literally had three days to move into my new city, home and life.  Add to this a marriage that is ending in divorce, a five year old boy being left by his dad, a new girlfriend that I am completely in love in love with. (Not that you need to know, but I never cheated on my wife - the last couple of four years or so, I thought about it.) 

I selected an apartment in the safe, clean part of the city. I am living in the suburbs. I also signed a  year lease. 

The part of town that I have been drawn towards these last few days was Westport.

This artsie, diverse and odd portion of the city is a rejuvenated and vibrant part of Kansas City. Originally an outfitting area for the travelers on the four trails, (Lewis & Clark, Santa Fe, Oregon and California) that all came through this area. Westport has become a mecca for rockers. philosophers, poets, musicians, actors and drinkers.

I have always strived to be cooler than I am. It's a struggle when you're an overweight white kid that is funny at best. Over time I became one of these outcasts that fill the blocks that make up Westport. I am starting to feel immediately connected to this portion of the city full of used bookstores, record shops and great places to nosh. 

I feel cool when I am there. That's the point. I feel like I am sharing a secret tree house with the cool kids on the block.  Cool kids that like dumpling and noodle restaurants.

Educating Jax

"I have always relied on the kindness of strangers." 

-Blanche Dubois

A Street Car Named Desire by Tennessee Williams

This quote means more now that I have spent some time alone (as little as that is.) I have discovered and can feel empathy for those who live this way, day in and day out. I am not denying that it has it's privileges. You are on your own time. No one tells you what to do. You can go anywhere you want at the drop of a hat. You can sleep and nap when you feel like it an not have to worry about guilt. But, what are the disadvantages? What are the parts that aren't so great? 

To walk into an empty home.

Hoping for the mailbox to be full.

Listening to your neighbors for the purpose of entertainment.

Desperately wanting to talk on the phone, when you've never been much of a phone talker. 

Frustrated (and not by an instruction manual.) 

But, even though this may seem sad; what if you have someone or something you are waiting on? It's almost here? You still have contact with it, but only from a distance. How do these events shape you? What can I learn from it?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Don't throw the baby... (wait wrong cliche' and it doesn't rhyme.) 

But these are true for a reason. What I have learned, is that by being alone, I have had time for self reflection. I can see what I truly want. What's important. I have come to see my faults and where I can improve. I have the future in my hand. But, self reliance can only get you so far. Faith in something bigger than me is also needed. 

I pray for my love ones. I think of them in my absence and hope they will find solace in knowing, I love them all deeply. Many lives have touched mine. I have also done the same. We will always be connected. Since my move (I have recently relocated) I have gathered a few friends. Some I knew from a previous life. They have brought me into their home and shared their food. I am grateful. I have new friends who have shared their lives with mine. I thank them. Without these new bonds I would not have made it. 

But, there is something, someone, a girl, who I love. She waits for me. We are separated by a day on a calendar. Kept apart by an imaginary measurement of time. It's not as if we're kept from one another by a wall or communism? A day on the calendar is not tangible. But it's looming, it's close. I can smell that combination of vanilla, soap and perfume. She is real, she is coming, she must hurry because she has my heart. I might die if she's not here soon. A man cannot live without his heart, but I know she keeps it safe, forever close to her. Giving it life, it grows stronger. For her I long. I am consumed. She is no longer a stranger. She is my life, my family, my lover, friend and confidant. Thank you. II know you feel the same.

Today, I have learned what real love is.

Natalie

I am tipsy. I am not ashamed to say that. Who else writes a post at 2am on a Friday night/Saturday morning. 

I can't hold it in anymore!

Natalie! 

I am beyond smitten, I am past the point of love, I am in need of hearing her voice. I am in need of her touch. 

I am alone without her.

Who else does this?  I know, I am not alone. There are others out there in the world that are going through the very same emotions. I am not unique, but I feel alone. I hate to say it; it makes me feel vulnerable but it's true. 

I am in love! 

I listen to her mix tape and wonder if those feelings on the celluloid are the very same ones she is feeling for me at that moment. 

I want to hear her scream with pleasure. The way she does in those closest of moments. That auditory memory is what allows me to stay close to her in my mind. I don't rely on just that one alone, but it is my favorite. (Hey, I'm a guy,) 

Nat - Forever you are mine, and I am yours. 

Your Nice Guy, 

JAX

Xmas Morning-perpetual bliss

The worst fucking weekend ever is behind me. I have ridden roller coasters before, but never had I experienced this. I have always looked for a way to escape the dreaded "feelings" that normal people seem to deal with day in and day out. 

The part of me that would normally go to self destruct mode, went to a therapeutic and self fulfilling place. And because I can't contain my excitement, I have decided to share it with the world. 

I purchased an awesome used guitar! The thrill it gave me was just like Christmas day. 

It reminded me that simple pleasures like music can be the very thing needed to soothe the savage beast.

Playing in the band while my guitar gently weeps. - JAX

Today

Testing. I am here. Are you?