Ode to my new city.

I found my self returning to the same part of town for the last three days in a row. Why was I doing this? What need was this filling? I looked closer at things here. I doubled back on streets to see if I could get a better look once I came around again.

Everywhere I felt something... different. I had seen all these faces and places before. This wasn't the first time I had been in "this part of town." But this place, it was newer, more real than the rest, in fact, to me it was all new. 

I moved to Kansas City at the end of January. I began my new job the second day of February. I literally had three days to move into my new city, home and life.  Add to this a marriage that is ending in divorce, a five year old boy being left by his dad, a new girlfriend that I am completely in love in love with. (Not that you need to know, but I never cheated on my wife - the last couple of four years or so, I thought about it.) 

I selected an apartment in the safe, clean part of the city. I am living in the suburbs. I also signed a  year lease. 

The part of town that I have been drawn towards these last few days was Westport.

This artsie, diverse and odd portion of the city is a rejuvenated and vibrant part of Kansas City. Originally an outfitting area for the travelers on the four trails, (Lewis & Clark, Santa Fe, Oregon and California) that all came through this area. Westport has become a mecca for rockers. philosophers, poets, musicians, actors and drinkers.

I have always strived to be cooler than I am. It's a struggle when you're an overweight white kid that is funny at best. Over time I became one of these outcasts that fill the blocks that make up Westport. I am starting to feel immediately connected to this portion of the city full of used bookstores, record shops and great places to nosh. 

I feel cool when I am there. That's the point. I feel like I am sharing a secret tree house with the cool kids on the block.  Cool kids that like dumpling and noodle restaurants.

Educating Jax

"I have always relied on the kindness of strangers." 

-Blanche Dubois

A Street Car Named Desire by Tennessee Williams

This quote means more now that I have spent some time alone (as little as that is.) I have discovered and can feel empathy for those who live this way, day in and day out. I am not denying that it has it's privileges. You are on your own time. No one tells you what to do. You can go anywhere you want at the drop of a hat. You can sleep and nap when you feel like it an not have to worry about guilt. But, what are the disadvantages? What are the parts that aren't so great? 

To walk into an empty home.

Hoping for the mailbox to be full.

Listening to your neighbors for the purpose of entertainment.

Desperately wanting to talk on the phone, when you've never been much of a phone talker. 

Frustrated (and not by an instruction manual.) 

But, even though this may seem sad; what if you have someone or something you are waiting on? It's almost here? You still have contact with it, but only from a distance. How do these events shape you? What can I learn from it?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Don't throw the baby... (wait wrong cliche' and it doesn't rhyme.) 

But these are true for a reason. What I have learned, is that by being alone, I have had time for self reflection. I can see what I truly want. What's important. I have come to see my faults and where I can improve. I have the future in my hand. But, self reliance can only get you so far. Faith in something bigger than me is also needed. 

I pray for my love ones. I think of them in my absence and hope they will find solace in knowing, I love them all deeply. Many lives have touched mine. I have also done the same. We will always be connected. Since my move (I have recently relocated) I have gathered a few friends. Some I knew from a previous life. They have brought me into their home and shared their food. I am grateful. I have new friends who have shared their lives with mine. I thank them. Without these new bonds I would not have made it. 

But, there is something, someone, a girl, who I love. She waits for me. We are separated by a day on a calendar. Kept apart by an imaginary measurement of time. It's not as if we're kept from one another by a wall or communism? A day on the calendar is not tangible. But it's looming, it's close. I can smell that combination of vanilla, soap and perfume. She is real, she is coming, she must hurry because she has my heart. I might die if she's not here soon. A man cannot live without his heart, but I know she keeps it safe, forever close to her. Giving it life, it grows stronger. For her I long. I am consumed. She is no longer a stranger. She is my life, my family, my lover, friend and confidant. Thank you. II know you feel the same.

Today, I have learned what real love is.

Natalie

I am tipsy. I am not ashamed to say that. Who else writes a post at 2am on a Friday night/Saturday morning. 

I can't hold it in anymore!

Natalie! 

I am beyond smitten, I am past the point of love, I am in need of hearing her voice. I am in need of her touch. 

I am alone without her.

Who else does this?  I know, I am not alone. There are others out there in the world that are going through the very same emotions. I am not unique, but I feel alone. I hate to say it; it makes me feel vulnerable but it's true. 

I am in love! 

I listen to her mix tape and wonder if those feelings on the celluloid are the very same ones she is feeling for me at that moment. 

I want to hear her scream with pleasure. The way she does in those closest of moments. That auditory memory is what allows me to stay close to her in my mind. I don't rely on just that one alone, but it is my favorite. (Hey, I'm a guy,) 

Nat - Forever you are mine, and I am yours. 

Your Nice Guy, 

JAX

Xmas Morning-perpetual bliss

The worst fucking weekend ever is behind me. I have ridden roller coasters before, but never had I experienced this. I have always looked for a way to escape the dreaded "feelings" that normal people seem to deal with day in and day out. 

The part of me that would normally go to self destruct mode, went to a therapeutic and self fulfilling place. And because I can't contain my excitement, I have decided to share it with the world. 

I purchased an awesome used guitar! The thrill it gave me was just like Christmas day. 

It reminded me that simple pleasures like music can be the very thing needed to soothe the savage beast.

Playing in the band while my guitar gently weeps. - JAX

Today

Testing. I am here. Are you?