Educating Jax

"I have always relied on the kindness of strangers." 

-Blanche Dubois

A Street Car Named Desire by Tennessee Williams

This quote means more now that I have spent some time alone (as little as that is.) I have discovered and can feel empathy for those who live this way, day in and day out. I am not denying that it has it's privileges. You are on your own time. No one tells you what to do. You can go anywhere you want at the drop of a hat. You can sleep and nap when you feel like it an not have to worry about guilt. But, what are the disadvantages? What are the parts that aren't so great? 

To walk into an empty home.

Hoping for the mailbox to be full.

Listening to your neighbors for the purpose of entertainment.

Desperately wanting to talk on the phone, when you've never been much of a phone talker. 

Frustrated (and not by an instruction manual.) 

But, even though this may seem sad; what if you have someone or something you are waiting on? It's almost here? You still have contact with it, but only from a distance. How do these events shape you? What can I learn from it?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Don't throw the baby... (wait wrong cliche' and it doesn't rhyme.) 

But these are true for a reason. What I have learned, is that by being alone, I have had time for self reflection. I can see what I truly want. What's important. I have come to see my faults and where I can improve. I have the future in my hand. But, self reliance can only get you so far. Faith in something bigger than me is also needed. 

I pray for my love ones. I think of them in my absence and hope they will find solace in knowing, I love them all deeply. Many lives have touched mine. I have also done the same. We will always be connected. Since my move (I have recently relocated) I have gathered a few friends. Some I knew from a previous life. They have brought me into their home and shared their food. I am grateful. I have new friends who have shared their lives with mine. I thank them. Without these new bonds I would not have made it. 

But, there is something, someone, a girl, who I love. She waits for me. We are separated by a day on a calendar. Kept apart by an imaginary measurement of time. It's not as if we're kept from one another by a wall or communism? A day on the calendar is not tangible. But it's looming, it's close. I can smell that combination of vanilla, soap and perfume. She is real, she is coming, she must hurry because she has my heart. I might die if she's not here soon. A man cannot live without his heart, but I know she keeps it safe, forever close to her. Giving it life, it grows stronger. For her I long. I am consumed. She is no longer a stranger. She is my life, my family, my lover, friend and confidant. Thank you. II know you feel the same.

Today, I have learned what real love is.